I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
