At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
