dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
