So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
