He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
