Do you still have your period?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize