do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize