I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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