We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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