Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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