the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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