1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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