i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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