So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
