My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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