smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
