obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
