When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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