Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
