I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
