My sheets look like a crime scene.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
