every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's shark week go big or go home
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
