if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
