1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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