I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
