I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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