I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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