A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
