the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
