How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
