i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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