im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
