my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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