my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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