Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
