were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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