you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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