i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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