I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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