Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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