I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
