Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
