Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
