Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
