ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
