Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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