I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
