also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
