Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
