Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
