it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
