Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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