I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
