she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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