Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Watching her eat just hurts me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
