She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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