I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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