I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
