I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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