I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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