Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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