I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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